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I spent New Years eve sitting here at my fathers computer. Most years Mother has this idea it will be the second comeing so i'm atleast aloud to sit with them but this year I couldnt stand that again. Wateing for them to have thair paradise and have all the flaws they saw in thair own children 'corrected and made perfect' I just couldnt stand it. So if there wasnt that there was litraly spending the new years alone and talking to no one. I'm beyond sad. So it was over and nothing happend no second comeing no god come to earth. I didnt expect it but the parants might have. I just wanted a hug from someone I could just lean on. I wont even get that.

Oh yay another new year.

I always said i'd give up the bloody balanceing act each year. Four people that supposely want just my future to be nice... They all have thair own ideas and they all conflict alot. And those people are my close famaily. My mum and dad and brother and sister. All obviously older than me. I cant take this balanceing act anymore and this year I'll get out of it one way or the other. Only one rule here though I wont screw up anyone elses life to do it.

If I have to live like this anymore and have every half deacent thing I do taken away from me and ruind and being trapped in here I'll go nuts. I dont want to go nuts because me going nuts isnt a good thing for anyone. I'm already starting to go a bit nuts seeing as i'm sitting here trying to ocupy myself when I dont have any of my projects and the means for makeing them is completely broke.

I need my computer I need my life and I need to be me!

Each year I say this and I never get it no matter how hard I work for it something always gets to me like getting sick or something but I need it this year.

Well the first few days of this crappy year suck. I'm probably going to go to bed and sleep again purely out of boardom. Something has to change.

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You were warned!

Wile dealing with my dear father today who refused to stop talking about relegion and Mormons(he is one) I tried to get a point across to him. He said that if I was in Utah i'd have been found a perfect job by now. Problem is depending on who you talk to they dont find women jobs. Genraly they treat women like baby makeing mashines and that means no jobs but getting sent to BYU and the 'Singles ward' to wate for a husband. Now my father dosent even think something like this exists. I would hurt him to think it because his ideal relegion dsoent have such nasty things. So I tried to explain that people are people and everyone thinks diffrent things. He didnt get it and still thinks that the beliefs of the church are his ones. I tell him people are people and people are diverse and think diffrent things and all that but bleh he comes up with the argument that the people are the church to what i'm saying. He thinks the way he does but so do I and he made my point for me. If so many people in one organisation cant deside thair vews on something as simple as weather a woman should work or be a stay at home mother then the church itself the organisation itself cant deside. And with each person thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong yet no one checks on anyone else because everyones right then it can lead to a huge abuse of power by anyone that gets to the top levels of this organisation.

Another thing that iritates me about my dad and genraly anyone that beleves in God or any relegion that seems to beleve in it is the fact that they dont see other possabilities. A Christian wants to go to heaven and worship a guy there in paradise for the rest of his existance. An athest wants to die and have nothing after that. A christian will argue with an athiest about what they want after death telling the athiest they want to worship a guy in paradise forever where that might be the other persons idea of hell. OK the realisation is that everyone should just shut up and stop trying to convert everyone else because there is no real wrong or right way just lots of ways that are wrong and right for lots of people. I used to watch Missionaries from the mormon church teach people and try to convert them. As a desabled former mormon I can honestly say that the mormon church isnt the right one for me. If it isnt the right one for me then it isnt the right one for alot of people and maybe someone should be able to make up thair own mind instead of being bullied into joining.

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I dont want to jinx it and I might rant about it later but I have to check for the cat.

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I spend the last cople of days feeling really sick. Food poisoning of some kind. So what does my dear mother do when i'm not even able to run to the bathroom from my own room so i'm down sleeping on the sofa? She makes shure the channels i'm watching have ether food prosessors for sale or shows about murder. This for the last two days. So i'm hearing about people being killed which I really dont want to hear about right now or people eating stuff which again I dont want to hear about.

I've also been more than a little out of it so i've been dreaming about pink bunnies half cooked and half eaten comeing to kill me and my family.

Theres only so much of my mother I can take.

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My computer desided it didnt like me last night. It stutterd, the screen whent grey, the sound went completely and now it wont recignise the screen at all or start up. I'm calling out the techys soon.

I'm currently on my dads computer thats downstairs. It means photos raw and stragiht from the camra I cant even turn them up the right way and no pictures like my ones I had half done... gah... Well I will be ringing monday to get this sorted in the mean time thanks for the messages keeping me here and happy wile I update my Dads anti-virus software.

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